Welcome!

News Feed Item

Dr. Neil Clark Warren, Founder and CEO of eHarmony, Shares Ten Timeless Truths About Marriage

I am amazed at how many people stumble and trip their way into marriage—and then they wonder why their relationship grows miserably stagnant or chronically contentious. Their way of approaching this monumental decision was not done objectively and proactively.

I don’t claim to know ALL the rules of wise mate selection, but I am sure that the following ones are sound, trustworthy guidelines that will provide the best chance for a fulfilling and lasting marriage:

1. Your choice of a marriage partner is more crucial than everything else combined that you will ever do to make your marriage succeed. This principle may sound like a no-brainer, but it might surprise you at the large percentage of singles who have the attitude that says, “I just want to get married, and once I’ve got my mate, then we’ll work things out.” Lonely and worried they’ll never marry, many singles are so intent on getting to “I do” that they don’t invest the necessary time and effort to make a great decision. Most of the failed marriages I have encountered were in trouble the day they began. The two people involved simply chose the wrong person to marry.

2. Couples must be rooted in shared religious and spiritual beliefs. When two lovers are spiritually sensitive and when their lives are centered to common beliefs, they have a solid foundation on which to build a relationship. Any couple who develops their capacity to share spiritual passion becomes infinitely joined and merged. By affirming each other’s most sacred and deeply held convictions, they establish the most important connecting point of all.

3. Couples who date for two years or more have a significantly better chance of building a happy, lasting marriage. It is very alarming when two people tell me they have known each other a couple of months, and now they are ready to make a lifelong commitment. When a couple is ready to decide on something as all-encompassing as marriage after only a few months of dating, I assume their decision is long on fantasy and short on reality. It tells me that the hard work of marriage is being seriously underestimated. In fact, research shows that couples who have dated for two years of more score consistently higher on marital satisfaction than couples who date for shorter periods of time.

4. People often choose a mate to please someone else – a father, mother, or the person who is asking them to be married – but it is absolutely critical that they be personally satisfied that this is the person for them. Your decision must be made in light of your own needs and dreams…not anyone else’s. Certainly the input of friends and family members is critical, but no one can select your marriage partner for you, and you should never allow yourself to select a lifetime mate in order to satisfy someone else.

5. Divorce rates are lower for both men and women who marry for the first time at age 28 or older. Why 28? Studies show that this is the age when most people get clear about who they are, where they are going, and how they want to get there. In our society where adolescence often lasts until the middle 20s, identity formation is incomplete until individuals have emotionally separated from their parents and discovered the details of their own uniqueness. Most people under 28 aren’t in a good enough position to know the kind of person with whom they could form a meaningful lifelong attachment. They simply need more life experience.

6. It is crucial to find a person to marry who is a lot like you. For couples, similarities are like money in the bank, and differences are like debts they owe. If you want to make a marriage work with someone who is very different from you, you better have a large number of similarities as permanent equity in your account. If you don’t, your relationship could be bankrupt at a frighteningly early stage.

7. Unrealistic expectations for marriage may be the principal contributor for most early divorces. Many men and women enter marriage believing their spouse will meet all their needs and that their romantic feelings will never end. The truth is, successful marriages require an incredible amount of work, patience, and long-suffering. I have watched many marriages crumble because the couples expected life to be filled with walks on the beach, steamy love scenes, and nonstop fun. That is just not reality.

8. Couples need to know that they are capable of resolving conflicts BEFORE they get married. If a couple doesn’t know how to deal effectively with their disagreements, their marriage may be systematically destroyed. I am convinced that more marriages fail because two people don’t know how to handle their differences than any other reason. That’s why it is so vital that you and your partner assess your conflict-resolution skills prior to marriage.

9. Personality or behavioral problems will not vanish when you get married. If there are qualities about your partner’s personality or behavior that you question—such as jealousy, temper, irresponsibility, dishonesty, or stubbornness—ask yourself if you are willing to spend the rest of your life dealing with these problems. Obviously, if the person you are considering has a drug or drinking problem or trouble with sexual integrity, you should make absolutely sure that he or she has worked through the problem well in advance of your marriage.

10. Marriage is not just a contract between two people. Many people in our society treat marriage like a business agreement. When the contractual arrangement established at the wedding is no longer a “good deal,” they either alter the agreement or terminate it. When you find that soulmate for whom you have longingly searched, you will be at the beginning of a relational journey filled with joy.

Marriage provides the conditions in which we can experience tremendous happiness and satisfaction—or grief and frustration. By thinking carefully about the above points, you will take a big step toward a fulfilling future.

Dr. Neil Clark Warren is Founder and CEO of eHarmony.com. He is a clinical psychologist and the author of the best-selling book, Finding the Love of Your Life. See more relationship advice at http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/.

About eHarmony, Inc.

Santa Monica, Calif.-based eHarmony, Inc. (www.eharmony.com) was founded in 2000 and is a pioneer in using relationship science to match singles seeking long-term relationships. Its service presents users with compatible matches based on key dimensions of personality that are scientifically proven to predict highly successful long-term relationships. On average, 542 people marry every day in the U.S. as a result of being matched on eHarmony, nearly 5% of new marriages.* Currently, eHarmony operates online matchmaking services in the United States, CanadaUnited KingdomAustralia and Brazil, and through its affiliation with eDarling, in 16 countries throughout continental Europe.

*2009 survey conducted for eHarmony by Harris Interactive.®

More Stories By Business Wire

Copyright © 2009 Business Wire. All rights reserved. Republication or redistribution of Business Wire content is expressly prohibited without the prior written consent of Business Wire. Business Wire shall not be liable for any errors or delays in the content, or for any actions taken in reliance thereon.

Latest Stories
DevOps at Cloud Expo, taking place October 31 - November 2, 2017, at the Santa Clara Convention Center in Santa Clara, CA, is co-located with 21st Cloud Expo and will feature technical sessions from a rock star conference faculty and the leading industry players in the world. The widespread success of cloud computing is driving the DevOps revolution in enterprise IT. Now as never before, development teams must communicate and collaborate in a dynamic, 24/7/365 environment. There is no time to w...
"As we've gone out into the public cloud we've seen that over time we may have lost a few things - we've lost control, we've given up cost to a certain extent, and then security, flexibility," explained Steve Conner, VP of Sales at Cloudistics,in this SYS-CON.tv interview at 20th Cloud Expo, held June 6-8, 2017, at the Javits Center in New York City, NY.
Internet of @ThingsExpo, taking place October 31 - November 2, 2017, at the Santa Clara Convention Center in Santa Clara, CA, is co-located with 21st Cloud Expo and will feature technical sessions from a rock star conference faculty and the leading industry players in the world. The Internet of Things (IoT) is the most profound change in personal and enterprise IT since the creation of the Worldwide Web more than 20 years ago. All major researchers estimate there will be tens of billions devic...
"The Striim platform is a full end-to-end streaming integration and analytics platform that is middleware that covers a lot of different use cases," explained Steve Wilkes, Founder and CTO at Striim, in this SYS-CON.tv interview at 20th Cloud Expo, held June 6-8, 2017, at the Javits Center in New York City, NY.
"We want to show that our solution is far less expensive with a much better total cost of ownership so we announced several key features. One is called geo-distributed erasure coding, another is support for KVM and we introduced a new capability called Multi-Part," explained Tim Desai, Senior Product Marketing Manager at Hitachi Data Systems, in this SYS-CON.tv interview at 20th Cloud Expo, held June 6-8, 2017, at the Javits Center in New York City, NY.
"We provide IoT solutions. We provide the most compatible solutions for many applications. Our solutions are industry agnostic and also protocol agnostic," explained Richard Han, Head of Sales and Marketing and Engineering at Systena America, in this SYS-CON.tv interview at @ThingsExpo, held June 6-8, 2017, at the Javits Center in New York City, NY.
"With Digital Experience Monitoring what used to be a simple visit to a web page has exploded into app on phones, data from social media feeds, competitive benchmarking - these are all components that are only available because of some type of digital asset," explained Leo Vasiliou, Director of Web Performance Engineering at Catchpoint Systems, in this SYS-CON.tv interview at DevOps Summit at 20th Cloud Expo, held June 6-8, 2017, at the Javits Center in New York City, NY.
21st International Cloud Expo, taking place October 31 - November 2, 2017, at the Santa Clara Convention Center in Santa Clara, CA, will feature technical sessions from a rock star conference faculty and the leading industry players in the world. Cloud computing is now being embraced by a majority of enterprises of all sizes. Yesterday's debate about public vs. private has transformed into the reality of hybrid cloud: a recent survey shows that 74% of enterprises have a hybrid cloud strategy. Me...
SYS-CON Events announced today that DXWorldExpo has been named “Global Sponsor” of SYS-CON's 21st International Cloud Expo, which will take place on Oct 31 – Nov 2, 2017, at the Santa Clara Convention Center in Santa Clara, CA. Digital Transformation is the key issue driving the global enterprise IT business. Digital Transformation is most prominent among Global 2000 enterprises and government institutions.
SYS-CON Events announced today that Datera, that offers a radically new data management architecture, has been named "Exhibitor" of SYS-CON's 21st International Cloud Expo ®, which will take place on Oct 31 - Nov 2, 2017, at the Santa Clara Convention Center in Santa Clara, CA. Datera is transforming the traditional datacenter model through modern cloud simplicity. The technology industry is at another major inflection point. The rise of mobile, the Internet of Things, data storage and Big...
Kubernetes is an open source system for automating deployment, scaling, and management of containerized applications. Kubernetes was originally built by Google, leveraging years of experience with managing container workloads, and is now a Cloud Native Compute Foundation (CNCF) project. Kubernetes has been widely adopted by the community, supported on all major public and private cloud providers, and is gaining rapid adoption in enterprises. However, Kubernetes may seem intimidating and complex ...
SYS-CON Events announced today that Calligo, an innovative cloud service provider offering mid-sized companies the highest levels of data privacy and security, has been named "Bronze Sponsor" of SYS-CON's 21st International Cloud Expo ®, which will take place on Oct 31 - Nov 2, 2017, at the Santa Clara Convention Center in Santa Clara, CA. Calligo offers unparalleled application performance guarantees, commercial flexibility and a personalised support service from its globally located cloud plat...
"We focus on SAP workloads because they are among the most powerful but somewhat challenging workloads out there to take into public cloud," explained Swen Conrad, CEO of Ocean9, Inc., in this SYS-CON.tv interview at 20th Cloud Expo, held June 6-8, 2017, at the Javits Center in New York City, NY.
"Outscale was founded in 2010, is based in France, is a strategic partner to Dassault Systémes and has done quite a bit of work with divisions of Dassault," explained Jackie Funk, Digital Marketing exec at Outscale, in this SYS-CON.tv interview at 20th Cloud Expo, held June 6-8, 2017, at the Javits Center in New York City, NY.
"I think DevOps is now a rambunctious teenager – it’s starting to get a mind of its own, wanting to get its own things but it still needs some adult supervision," explained Thomas Hooker, VP of marketing at CollabNet, in this SYS-CON.tv interview at DevOps Summit at 20th Cloud Expo, held June 6-8, 2017, at the Javits Center in New York City, NY.